Sunday, January 6, 2013

Text Stories: Volume One

Originally published on Wednesday, May 16, 2012.

My friend Jessica (Muffin Jessica) and I decided it would be a good time to write creative stories back and forth via text message. Here is the first one:

K (me)- Once upon a time there was...
J (her)- a neon green llama named Hamish...
K- Who loved to eat cheese puffs and...
J- Marshmallows. One day Hamish found...
K- the Forbidden Chalice of the Damned.
J- He walked right up to it and poked it without realising that...
K- if you don't put the cap on properly (which it wasn't) your house may explode.
J- Needless to say... When Hamish got home his little hut was in a million tiny pieces. Hamish was so upset that...
K- He went on a cannibalistic killing spree through the village which ended with...
J- an entire village of half eaten miniature jackalopes. Then Hamish...
K- Ran half way to the north pole then got winded so he had a refreshing glass of cabbage juice at...
J- The most adorable little cafe this side of North Dakota. The waitress...
K- Spilled hot sulphuric acid all over the table where Hamish was sitting.He decided to...
J- Continue his cannibalistic killing spree and eat the entire restaurant which...
K- In turn caused a hell of a lot of karma. This meant that...
J- Hamish's first born child would be abducted by a gremlin so...  
K- Hamish went into hiding with a beautiful female llama hostage named Prudence. 
J- Who was really a sabre tooth squirrel in disguise. When Hamish found out he...
K- Pooed his pants then scooted in circles on his buttocks then played a little ditty on his Oboe. 
J- Which was wonderful and got noticed by a talent agent...
K- Who whisked him away to Hollywood where he opened for Nicki Minaj. The he moved to...
J- Hawaii where people aren't very accepting of green llamas.
K- So he created a foundation called "Free the Llamas" to rid the small state of llama-related racism.
J- Which went well until he organised a violent protest...
K- Which initiated another cannibalistic killing spree. Therefore... 
J- We have learned never trust a neon green llama. 
THE END

Warning! Mature content and sexual references.

K- Once upon a time there was a sea cucumber named...
J- Waldorf. One day Waldorf...
K- Went for stroll through the coral reef. He was the the envy of all his friends because...
J- He owned the only neon blue seahorse in the entire sea. His friends decided to...
K- Slaughter Waldorf's seahorse. Waldorf then...
J- Brutally murdered his friends in a fit of mental instability and rage. When the other sea cucumbers found out...
K- They locked Waldorf in the county jail. Where he rotted for two and a half years awaiting his trial. During that time, he had repeated intercourse with...
J- The sea cucumber judge... needless to say, the trial went well ;)
K- After the trial, the judge broke up with Waldorf due to undetermined circumstances. This made Waldorf feel...
J- Unwanted and yet again very mentally unstable. Waldorf decided to...
K- Become a professional tooth pick wiggler. He felt very...
J- Needed and special. And seeing as he was the only professional tooth pick wiggler this side of the pacific, he was in high demand. Eventually the stress became too much and he...
K- Exploded. Literally. This meant that...
J- Poor Waldorf had some serious issues. Therefore...
Ashley- This story has some serious plot holes and problems... Luv Ashley
K- Stop interfering Ash!
Several unrelated text messages later...
K- Waldorf began spinning uncontrollably. Unfortunately this meant...
J- That he got extremely dizzy and crashed into a total of 12 police cruisers on his way home. So...
K- The cops arrested him. He spent another night in the slammer. He thought his life of crime was over, but obviously...
J- He was wrong. It was then that he realised his life would never be complete without crime. This light-bulb-moment caused...
K- Him to (after he was released) to buy a ski mask to make him look more devious. What Waldorf didn't realise was that this choice would have social repercussions. This causes the general populace to...
J- Fear him as if he was Dracula. Waldorf suddenly became the most feared criminal in the entire sea. But...
K- He didn't want to be just a regular, boring old criminal. He also wanted to be the Supreme Overlord of All Aquatic Life and Area.
J- So Waldorf devised a plan. An evil plan. He called up his friend Dolly the Clown Fish and asked her to...
K-  Do the Macarena. After she was done, he married her and she became the Supreme Overlady. Then she fired Waldorf and he cried so much that the oceans doubled in size. 
J- This caused 3 continents to be completely underwater. Waldorf now saw this as a chance to... 
K- To take over the air-breathing world And he did. He and Dolly fought relentlessly for 100,000 years before they both died of heat stroke and lack of oxygen in the water. The end... Or is it? 


Stay tuned for next time!

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