Monday, January 7, 2013

Text Stories: Volume Two

Originally published on Wednesday, May 23, 2012.

This edition of Text Stories contains only one adventure, but it is longer than past stories.

K- Okay so there was this little meatball named Gertrude and Gertrude...
J- Was a very lonely little meatball. One day...
K- Gertrude licked a frozen pole and became stuck for the whole winter and a significant portion of the spring.
J- Finally... in mid June... Gertrude was able to walk away from her pole... But she still felt oddly attached.
K- Because a part of her was literally still attached. 
J- No matter how hard she tried, she felt she could not go on without her beloved pole... This meant that...
K- She got a jack hammer. And removed the pole from the ground. 
J- She then brought said pole home where she...
K- Used it for recreational dance exercise purposes.
J- She quickly realised that this could make her a considerable amount of money soooooo...
K- She became a meatball stripper/pole-dancer.
J- Which has never been done. This put a lot of stress on Gertrude to be the very best. 
K- Eventually she became the richest meatball ever. But it did not come without a price...
J- Gertrude was followed constantly by photographers and videographers who wanted her to expand her horizons...
K- So she became and actor, and in turn, achieved more fortune and fame...
J- She then bought a huge mansion in Sweden and hired hundreds of workers to do her every bidding...
K- Many of them were German stable boys whom she forced to work shirtless so she could sit and look at their delicious abs.
J- One day Gertrude decided she wanted to do more than just admire the German workers...
K- She bought the Himalayan Mountains and made an extremely expensive ski resort which made her even more money. Eventually, she acquired so much money that she became allergic. This meant... 
J- That she had to give away all her money. This meant that...
K- She became EVEN MORE FAMOUS!!!! She was on talk shows, and threw first pitches at baseball games, kissed babies, the whole nine yards. 
J- Which sent the Mayor out of work.
K- He then became homicidal and tried to kill Gertrude. He failed because...
J- She was a secret CIA Agent and knew his every weakness.
K- The Mayor went to jail for attempted murder and was sentenced to the death penalty. Gertrude received the coveted honour of carrying out the Mayor's execution. Gertrude became Mayor. As her first order of business, she decided to...
J- Ban several things included bicycles, and...
K- Peacocks, and shoelaces. The whole Swedish town would have to live without environmentally friendly transportation, flamboyant birds, and footwear capable of remaining on one's feet. Bwa. Ha. Ha...
J- This made the citizens extremely angry. They proceeded to try and banish Gertrude, neglecting the fact that she was a CIA agent...
K- Gertrude then used her karate moves and killed the whole town. She went to jail for mass murder and received the death penalty. 
J- But she was not to be defeated...
K- She exploded into a fit of psychotic rage and severely injured 12 asparagus and a kitten. She escaped with only a cookie and a cleaver.
J- It wasn't until later that she realised that it was a chocolate chip cookie... to which she was severely allergic.
K- So her throat swelled up and she choked to death. Luckily, the the friendly neighbourhood (and completely oblivious) squirrel was strolling by when he saw her and gave her CPR. When she woke up she...
J- Was so confused that she thought the squirrel was her long lost brother. 
K- She hugged the squirrel so tightly that he suffocated, had a heart attack, a stroke, and developed melanoma and died. He had ridiculously severe health problems. Gerty was found crying next to the squirrels crumpled carcass. When police apprehended her...
J- By this time... our dearest Gerty was so heartbroken that she didn't fight... and spent the rest of her years in jail. 
K- in jail, she married a cat named Lickerson. They were very happy until...
J- She found out that he had 7 other wive. 
K- So she beat him until he didn't have a face anymore... So...
J- He wandered the world faceless.
K- Meanwhile back in jail, Gertrude died of of gastritis, severely ingrown toenails, and tripping on her own shoelaces (which is irronic since she had banned him previously)...
J- This meant that the world could go back to normal...
K- The end.

1 comment:

  1. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete